A man walks into a bar. He sees a beautiful, well-dressed woman sitting on a bar stool alone. He walks up to her and says, "Hi there, how's it going tonight?" She turns to him, looks him straight in the eyes and says, "I'll screw anybody any time, any where, any place, it doesn't matter to me." The guy raises his eyebrows and says, "No kidding? What law firm do you work for?"
A man in a bar stands up and proclaims, "All Lawyers are ASSHOLES!" A man at the front of the bar stands up and says "Hey! I resent that!" So the first man asks, "Why? Are you a lawyer?" "NO! I'm an asshole!"
What is the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!
A young man struck up a conversation with a young lass in a singles bar.All went well until he mentioned that he was a dentist, at which point she lost interest.The next evening and again the next, pretty much the same thing happened.Finally on the fourth night the bartender, who had overheard much of what had transpired, took the dentist aside and explained that this was primarily a lawyers' hangout and most of the women patrons seemed to prefer them. The dentist took the hint and told the next young woman he found attractive that he was a partner at Babble, Grabble and Scrabble.She was enthusiastic and before long he happily found himself testing the softness of her feather bed. As he gave way to the delights of the moment he thought "Hey, this is great. I've only been a lawyer for an hour and a half and I'm already screwing someone."
NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go and couldn't return to Earth.The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. "A million dollars," he answered, "because I want to donate it to M.I.T."The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for $2 million. "I want to give a million to my family," he explained, "and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research."The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars.""Why so much more than the others?" asked the interviewer.The lawyer replied, "If you give me $3 million, I'll give you $1 million, I'll keep $1 million, and we'll send the engineer to Mars."
Two tigers were stalking through the jungles of Asia.Suddenly, the one to the rear reached out with his tongue, and licked the posterior of the tiger in front of him.The startled front tiger turned and said, "Cut it out." The rear tiger apologized, and they continued onward. About five minutes later, it happened again.The front tiger turned, growling, "I said stop it." The rear tiger again apologized, and they continued. Another five minutes passed, and again the front tiger felt the unwanted tongue.The front tiger turned, giving the rear tiger a ferocious glare, angrily hissing, "What is it with you?" The rear tiger replied, "I'm sorry, I really didn't mean to offend you. But I just ate a lawyer and I'm trying to get the taste out of my mouth!"
A young associate was romantically ambushed in a darkened room of the law firm.After months of the social isolation that comes from eighty hour work weeks, the associate was happy to reciprocate.However, when asked by a friend to identify the lover, the associate was puzzled. "All I know for sure is that it was a partner, I had to do all the work."
Have you heard about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers?It's called Sosumi.
The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer."I can arrange some things for you, " the devil said. "I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred.All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls rot in hell for eternity."The lawyer thought for a moment and asked, "What's the catch?"
Two lawyers walking through the woods spotted a vicious looking bear. The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulled out a pair of sneakers and started putting them on. The second lawyer looked at him and said, "You're crazy! You'll never be able to outrun that bear!" "I don't have to," the first lawyer replied. "I only have to outrun you."
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.His curiosity gets the better of him and he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he's doing."I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine's Day cards signed, 'Guess who?'""But why?" asks the man."I'm a divorce lawyer."
A pipe bursts in a lawyer's house, so he calls a plumber. The plumber arrives, unpacks his tools, does mysterious plumber type things for a while, and hands the lawyer a bill for $600. The lawyer exclaims, "This is ridiculous! I don?t even make that much as a lawyer!" The plumber replies sympathetically, "Neither did I when I was a lawyer."
A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked, "May I help you?" The farmer said, "Yeah, I want to get one of them dayvorces." The attorney said, "Well do you have any grounds?" The farmer said, "Yeah, I got about 140 acres." The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?" The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere." The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?" The farmer said, "Yeah, I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere." The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?" The farmer said, "Yes, sir, I got a suit, I wear it to church on Sundays." The exasperated attorney said, "Well, sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?" The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30." Finally, the attorney said, "Okay, let me put it this way: why do you want a divorce?" The farmer replied, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."
A surgeon, an architect an a lawyer are having a heated barroom discussion concerning which of their professions is actually the oldest profession. The surgeon says, "Surgery is the oldest profession. God took a rib from Adam to create Eve and you can't go back further than that." The architect says, "Hold on! In fact, God was the first architect, when he created the world out of chaos in 7 days, and you can't go back any further than that!" The lawyer puffs his cigar and says, "Gentlemen, Gentlemen...who do you think created the CHAOS?"
A lawyer meets with the family of a recently deceased millionaire for the reading of the will. To my loving wife, Rose, who always stood by me, I leave the house and $2 million,? the attorney reads. To my darling daughter, Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave the yacht, the business and $1 million.And finally,? the lawyer concludes, ?to my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued with me and thought I would never mention him in my will, well, you were wrong.Hi, Dan!?